123 replies to this topic

[jayesstee]

I was kept busy!  Therefore proving I fit the spec.  

[marko]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[James (Jim) Hillier]

Hey, I resemble that!!

[FutureShock]

*****LEAK*****

A TOP SECRET DOCUMENT HAS BEEN LEAKED FROM THE HIGHEST ECHELONS OF MICROSOFT, DETAILING THE CREATIVE PROCESS FOR WINDOWS 8, INCLUDING THE INTERFACES MICROSOFT CONSIDERED BEFORE SELECTING THE METRO INTERFACE:..

1.  The Iron Curtain Interface-Weekly Interface tax for regular monitoring of your PCs content
2.  Judgement Day Interface-Just pay
3.  Taxi Interface-Pay by the second interface with a colorful black and yellow arrangement...playfully known as "Taxme" with the insiders at Redmond
4.  The Mirage Interface-Don't change anything and just send the "Bill" ...
5.  The Tsunami Interface-An interface with the ingenious capability to grow larger and larger but at a slower rate for those who pay on time and/or more
6.  The Dictator Interface-Regularly ban the use of and/or delete certain programs until they are paid for (again)...
7.  The Meteor Interface- Interface simulates a surprise catastrophic meteor extinction event with files and programs for those who don't pay correctly
8.  The Debit Interface-Buying the program is a legal marriage to Microsoft for the purchaser.  MS is given then the authority to use credit cards and accounts funds at will.  In exchange you pay for upkeep and keep things clean and tidy for continued use of your system...